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Chapter 32

Ulu.

I sit down and I just zone out all that is on my mind is Mbuso and that show that he just pulled I hate the power he has over me the smallest things that he does just makes me lose my sanity.

Finally awards end and our company won 4 awards tonight. Mr Dingane won 2 awards the company won 1 and an author of ours won 1 award as well.
I'm super proud there is however one award where I feel like Mr Dingane should've won but I don't make the rules so yeah.

We say goodbyes to each other. "Uhm... sir I have arranged transport so I'll see you guys tomorrow at the office." I feel embarrassed saying that. He decides that he is walking me to my certain transport to ensure my safety.
"Thank you for being an amazing date." So this was a date? I blush just a bit. "Thank you as well I truly enjoyed myself." I'm being honest with that review it was fairly hard to concentrate but I did it anyway and I've been strong.
We finally get outside and I see Mbuso leaning against his car he even has security today; he is a serious guy today.
I officially say goodbye to Mr D and both him and Mbuso give each other weird looks.
"Let's go. I don't want to talk right now." I instruct him and he opens the door for me. We drive off to my house of cause.

They drop us off and they leave us with one car because Mbuso came with an entourage.
We enter the house and I throw off my shoes my feet are killing me at this point.
"Do you want something to drink or eat?" I ask him as I open my fridge so I can get myself something to drink I take mango juice for the both of us and we sit in the sitting room.
"Fuck my feet hurt." I mumble.
"Come let me give you a foot massage." I don't even argue I place my feet on top of his thighs. "How are the boys doing I miss them so much." I honestly admit to him I didn't think I'd miss them so much and now I miss them even more knowing that I'm carrying their baby sibling inside of me.
"They miss you so much Mtho has been asking about you and Nhlanzeka is speaking more frequently everyone is happy and they are making me happy I do however still miss and need you in my life. You're the missing piece in my happy picture." I miss being a family I hate being alone. I miss the laughter and wholesome feeling I get from being with these people.

"Yeah the feeling of being together is something else just remind them that I truly miss them and love them...Uhm if that is okay with their mother." I whisper the last part the last thing I need is having that woman on my case and the last we spoke it proved we really aren't the best of friends. "I'll tell them they are my kids too." I shrug and I refuse to comment that is for them as a married couple it has nothing to with me his side chick his want to be makoti.

All those thoughts dawn me and I shift away uncomfortably it just doesn't feel right sitting here with him and having him massage my feet knowing damn well that he has a wife and his two beautiful children waiting for him. What if she cooked dinner? What if she is patiently waiting for him in order to make him feel special after this award show and here I am breaking a family; it just doesn't feel right.

"Mbuso please sit up properly we need to talk about something." He gives me an anxious look and he follows my instructions anyways I also sit up properly and I move my feet from his legs. "I'm pretty sure that you saw my missed calls um... I apologise if they caused a disruption between you and your wife I do however feel like you should've at least gotten back to me and told me that you don't want to talk or whatever; simply ignoring my calls is just being rude." He has a sour look on his face "you never called Uluthando you literally blocked my calls do you know how many times I've called and I've driven to your office but I reminded myself that what I'm doing is wrong I should give you the space that you've been asking for. Not a day has passed and I hadn't driven to your office or called you." What the fuck is happening I didn't block Mbuso I don't have the nerve. "I didn't block you I'm not sure what is happening but can we just move passed all that?" He agrees and for the first time in a long time we are finally on the same page.
"Listen the reason I called is because I have some news to share with you. This is not me trying to trap you or force you into anything. Mbuso I am pregnant and I understand the fact that you're married and having a child in such circumstances is just wrong but I want love my child

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we are finally on the same page.
"Listen the reason I called is because I have some news to share with you. This is not me trying to trap you or force you into anything. Mbuso I am pregnant and I understand the fact that you're married and having a child in such circumstances is just wrong but I want love my child I truly understand." I don't want to force him into thinking that he should support my child my salary has increased since I got my editors post so I feel like I am fully capable of providing for my small baby.

"Na'Ndlovu you said you are what?" He looks at me with an unreadable face I can't tell if he is happy about it or he is upset.
"I'm pregnant there is no pressure." I want to put this out there I need him to know that I will take care of my baby; I don't want my child to grow up being called a bastard child.
"Na'Ndlovu Gastheni..." I look up at him and his eyes are filled with tears. "I love you Ngiyabonga mama you're carrying a Mangethe inside of you." He kneels before me and holds my hands I've never seen Mbuso in such a state I didn't even know that he had the ability to cry even when I told him I want nothing to do with him he still kept his emotions together.
"Thank you for carrying this baby for us and now we will most definitely be together forever." Wait it is not that kind party.
"Mbuso no that's not what I mean. Yes we are having a baby and as I have said this is not a way me trying to trap you you have a family and I don't want to keep reminding you. You will see our child on some weekends once they grow up if you want then they will come and visit you." He stands up and walks far from.
"Please be my wife." He pleads. "No I'm not built to be a second wife I can never share you with another woman and how would I feel knowing that the reason I'm with you is because you want me due to the fact that we are having a baby. Mbuso I can't..." I honestly can't he wants me to understand the fact that he has another woman in his life and he will be sleeping in his bed overnight. I'll always be second best.

"If I were to agree and be perfectly fine with the idea what about her have you taken a moment to ask her how she feels about this entire situation." The look in his eyes it's one I'll never forget. "You're trying so hard Mbuso you're trying so hard to come across as the man who doesn't love his wife but the sad truth is that you love her more than anything I see it in your eyes." Saying these words have hurt me so much my heart is bleeding but I have to accept what is. "I don't know what to say." He knows I'm speaking the truth that is why he is avoiding this entire situation and this conversation.

"Uluthando I love you with all that I am and I know that you love me too. I've never felt like this we are about to have a child together do we not deserve this?" I mean he is right I do love him but what if love just isn't enough.
"You're right I love you and I wish with my all to be with you but I just can't I'm scared that even if I agreed to be your second wife it wouldn't work. We have good sex no in fact we have the best sex we fuck like we are professionals we make love like there is no tomorrow we connect in such a way that I do not know but I fear that that's all we are people who fuck and it ends there." I admit my true and authentic feelings to him I need him to understand that I cannot be with him in such a state of mind.

"That's not all we are and you know it Uluthando we protect each other like we are siblings we laugh at each other and with each other like we are best friends you are my soulmate and I know that I cannot see my life without you. So tell me that real truth why are you actually scared of being with me why do you hate the idea of being with me for all of eternity?" I just don't want to share him and fuck it I can't be the reason for another women's tears more than I already am.
"I have a lot of fears about this. I don't think I can do this." I whisper I don't I'm ready to talk about all of this.
"I'm really sorry about the heartache that I have caused you. I hate the fact that I screwed you over and I do hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me." He takes his car keys and he gives me one more look.

"It's so hard for me to fight because I feel like at this point I'm forcing you to be with me or I'm mistaken about your feelings about me but at the same time I want to fight so badly because you're literally all I want." He gives me a kiss on the cheek and he walks out.

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